The law of equilibrium states that “things have a way of balancing out over time.”
The law of disequiliribum states that “disproportional b*tt cheeks lead to discomfort and side-sliding in sitting; additionally, they skew the effect of swallowing by a factor theta”
Preamble - Wallowing in Swallowing
Let’s begin with the premise that a boxer short normally worn results in two adjacent square shapes covering the posterior cheeks.
- Now, when you have a wholesale swallow, the rear cover is sucked in between the cheeks resulting in a T shape marking cheek demarcation (Vertical) and round-the-waist elastic (Horizontal). In ladies fashion this is called a thong. Theta is 100% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
- In a partial swallow, the two square covers are converted, by suction pressure, into a pair of downward facing right-angled triangles subdivided by the vertical cheek demarcation. Looked at from a distance, the combination looks like a downward facing isosceles triangle. Theta is 50% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
- In a nibble (a la Nick), suction pressure is not strong enough or cheek protrusion is not sizeable. The two squares maintain relatively the same shape by there is a slight dent between them where a portion of cloth cover vanished. Theta is 5%.
Fulo* was born with a posterior defect that rendered the outer circumference of one b*tt cheek disproportionately larger than its twin/sibling/cheekmate… Let’s just say that one of the cheeks was Ugandan (turgid/mahaga) and the other was Japanese (flaccid/ma-flat-nesses). For Fulo, right circumference was/is greater than left; the surface area canvassed by the cover of the underwear on the right was far more than that on the left… It caused and continues to cause him loads of problems:
- Plasma screen. Watching TV was an issue as Fulo would tend to find himself angled obtuse (right side) and acute (left side) to perpendicular. Methods used to prop up an unsteady table i.e. placing a bottle top or folded paper under the shorter leg, were necessary to restore proportional normalcy to his sitting up straight. Fulo used a pillow or paper-filled wallet against the left cheek to good measure. It was not uncommon to find Fulo sleeping on his left side despite starting his sleep lying square on his back. Gravity, centrifuge and flowing with the current, favoured motion towards the left.
- Sucked right in. Fortunately for Fulo, he did not suffer from swallow-wholesales (see above) or swallow-partials (see previous about seeing above)… Unfortunately he was subject to nibbles (see previous about seeing previous to see above)…
- Potting in pool. As Fulo would bend over to take a shot in pool, there were oooohs and ahhhhhs from admiring female spectators to his right. Sadly however, there were uurrghs and woiyes from the female spectators to his left…
- Sagging his jeans. Fulo always wanted to be with the in-crowd. Part of this involved sagging of jeans. Now this presents a problem because the wallet wonderbum effect (similar to wonderbra's titivating(no pun) effect) is rendered moot if wallet-bearing pocket is lowered via sagging… Additionally, the butt-support to prevent sagging from being a jeans-around-ankle style was lacking to the left hence Fulo’s jeans would be skewed to the left revealing a portion of backside conspicuous by its absence.
- High waist lingala dancing. Then there was the Koffi Olomide, Papa Wemba, Diblo Dibala era. High-waists were in effect with accompanying box haircuts. In Fulo’s case, high-waisting resulted in two divergent posterior protrusions with the wallet effect appearing on his back (courtesy of elevated back pocket) and the right diab effect a number of inches lower… You should have seen the effect on his lingala dancing I tell you!!!
- Caning in high school. Lets just say that the right bore the brunt to the headmaster’s fan belt caning amidst the headmster’s accompanying shouts of “Useless!! Kwenda!! Ghasia!!”
*Fulo aka I M Fuloshit alias Imran Mehta Fuloshit. This is an unfortunate, lecherous asian from Ngara that loves wearing shorts and is commonly referred to as I M Fuloshit in short(s).
Author’s note: Was going to get more descriptive about Fulo’s condition but I just noticed him walking into the room… There may be a show-down soon so I’ll stop my typing right here!!