DisequiliriBUM

DisequiliriBUM (B*tt cheeks UnMatched)
The law of equilibrium states that “things have a way of balancing out over time.”
The law of disequiliribum states that “disproportional b*tt cheeks lead to discomfort and side-sliding in sitting; additionally, they skew the effect of swallowing by a factor theta”

Preamble - Wallowing in Swallowing
Let’s begin with the premise that a boxer short normally worn results in two adjacent square shapes covering the posterior cheeks.

• Now, when you have a wholesale swallow, the rear cover is sucked in between the cheeks resulting in a T shape marking cheek demarcation (Vertical) and round-the-waist elastic (Horizontal). In ladies fashion this is called a thong. Theta is 100% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
• In a partial swallow, the two square covers are converted, by suction pressure, into a pair of downward facing right-angled triangles subdivided by the vertical cheek demarcation. Looked at from a distance, the combination looks like a downward facing isosceles triangle. Theta is 50% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
• In a nibble (a la Nick), suction pressure is not strong enough or cheek protrusion is not sizeable. The two squares maintain relatively the same shape by there is a slight dent between them where a portion of cloth cover vanished. Theta is 5%.

Amble - Poor Fulo
Fulo* was born with a posterior defect that rendered the outer circumference of one b*tt cheek disproportionately larger than its twin/sibling/cheekmate… Let’s just say that one of the cheeks was Ugandan (turgid/mahaga) and the other was Japanese (flaccid/ma-flat-nesses). For Fulo, right circumference was/is greater than left; the surface area canvassed by the cover of the underwear on the right was far more than that on the left… It caused and continues to cause him loads of problems:

• Plasma screen. Watching TV was an issue as Fulo would tend to find himself angled obtuse (right side) and acute (left side) to perpendicular. Methods used to prop up an unsteady table i.e. placing a bottle top or folded paper under the shorter leg, were necessary to restore proportional normalcy to his sitting up straight. Fulo used a pillow or paper-filled wallet against the left cheek to good measure. It was not uncommon to find Fulo sleeping on his left side despite starting his sleep lying square on his back. Gravity, centrifuge and flowing with the current, favoured motion towards the left.
• Sucked right in. Fortunately for Fulo, he did not suffer from swallow-wholesales (see above) or swallow-partials (see previous about seeing above)… Unfortunately he was subject to nibbles (see previous about seeing previous to see above)…
• Potting in pool. As Fulo would bend over to take a shot in pool, there were oooohs and ahhhhhs from admiring female spectators to his right. Sadly however, there were uurrghs and woiyes from the female spectators to his left…
• Sagging his jeans. Fulo always wanted to be with the in-crowd. Part of this involved sagging of jeans. Now this presents a problem because the wallet wonderbum effect (similar to wonderbra's titivating(no pun) effect) is rendered moot if wallet-bearing pocket is lowered via sagging… Additionally, the butt-support to prevent sagging from being a jeans-around-ankle style was lacking to the left hence Fulo’s jeans would be skewed to the left revealing a portion of backside conspicuous by its absence.
• High waist lingala dancing. Then there was the Koffi Olomide, Papa Wemba, Diblo Dibala era. High-waists were in effect with accompanying box haircuts. In Fulo’s case, high-waisting resulted in two divergent posterior protrusions with the wallet effect appearing on his back (courtesy of elevated back pocket) and the right diab effect a number of inches lower… You should have seen the effect on his lingala dancing I tell you!!!
• Caning in high school. Lets just say that the right bore the brunt to the headmaster’s fan belt caning amidst the headmster’s accompanying shouts of “Useless!! Kwenda!! Ghasia!!”

Postamble – Cast of Characters
*Fulo aka I M Fuloshit alias Imran Mehta Fuloshit. This is an unfortunate, lecherous asian from Ngara that loves wearing shorts and is commonly referred to as I M Fuloshit in short(s).

Author’s note: Was going to get more descriptive about Fulo’s condition but I just noticed him walking into the room… There may be a show-down soon so I’ll stop my typing right here!!

Starlet to Body, 60 MPH

Starlet to Body, 60 MPH (Mwenda Pole Hajikwai)

This is a story from my earlier days, the day I realised the perils of drinking!! It involves an old, innocent jogger, several watchmen, a childhood friend and one damsel I used to pursue with fervent diligence. Writer's note: Years before I met my Atoti-Alright, Kairetu-most-Lovely, Gachungwa-most-Dear; my soulmate.

The only reason I document this is to highlight the hazards of reckless drinking and driving. The light-hearted content is by no means meant to downplay the gravity of the incident and the remorse thereafter.

Dawn to Dusk, Dusk till Dawn

It was a typical Saturday, the weekly routine was established; repeated piously, severally and religiously:

• 1100hrs: Milonare in Boom-twiff-Mobile (B-t-M) picks G Heezaho
• 1200hrs: Milonare and aforementioned G Heezaho outside Caltex Starmart
• 1205hrs: M&G seated on pavement contributing to KBL's supernormal profits
• 1206hrs: Xplod, tweeters etc unleash the spoils of piracy to ears near and far
• 1400hrs: Refer to 1205hrs and 1206hrs
• 1400hrs: M&G merrily singing along to Boom-twiff-Mobile, not a care in the world
• 1500hrs: Refer to 1205hrs, 1206hrs and 1400hrs
• 1501hrs: Need to shift base discussed in loud, slurring speech
• 1502hrs: Xplod, tweeters etc unleash silence to ears near and far
• 1503hrs: Need to push B-t-M discussed in even louder, more slurred speech
• 1515hrs: B-t-M engine purring like a cat
• 1516hrs: Refer to 1206hrs and 1400hrs. B-t-M enroute to next location.

Midnight - JKays

Things are reaching fever pitch, KBL and UDV products are being amalgamated to further heighten euphoria! Spot damsel with her friends: long on primping and preening, short on body cover... Saunter towards ladies in motion somewhere between a bounce and a stagger... Stupidity begins...

6 in da mornin

Hours later (wallet-battered) damsel and friend need a ride home. G Heezaho has disappeared from sight, livin' up to his name!

• Milonare home to Damsel home = 5km
• JKays to Milonare home = 2km
• JKays to Damsel's friend's home = 34km!! D*mn!

30 minutes later (odometer := odometer + 34km) motion towards Damsel's home begins. Attempts to remain awake with window open, wind on face, thwarted by Damsel's request for heater in car (given the prior mentioned deficit in body cover).

Another 32 minutes later (odometer := ...) Baba damsel wakes up both M&D as both fell fast asleep on arrival at the gate and hooting.

Mzee, pole sana!

Trip back home a blur. Realisation of slumber while driving on

• Sound of sickening thud
• Opened eyes viewing pink thigh on windscreen
• Unhindered access of wind to face thru now open windscreen
• Sound of body on car-roof
• Sight of body to ground on rear-view mirror

Facts

• Car lost control when driver fell asleep
• Car veered to right of road
• Innocent jogger on right of road knocked by car
• Innocent jogger was 56 years old

Kusema kweli, ningeenda!

Attempt was made to drive back to scene and assist innocent victim. Gang of watchmen trekking back home from a hard night's work ominously approach vehicle attempting to open doors. Car driven off and U-turned from safe distance. Window opened as gang surrounding victim was being approached. Attempt made to shout at gang to follow car to nearby police station. Shout interrupted by various gang-to-car, hand-to-body, stone-to-head-and-torso missiles amidst choir-like chants of Ua! Chinja! Choma!

One of missiles hits target, sharp pain at back of head and warm, wet liquid gushes down neck.

The long and short of the story is:

• victim miraculously survived with only a few cuts on legs and hands!!
• driver charged with reckless driving - 12 stitches later
• charges eventually dropped as expatriate victim fled country in fear of life
• extremely lucky driver changed drinking ways
• extremely lucky driver still full of remorse...

Someone up there likes me!!

Jacked at SOUTH B

Jacked at SOUTH B (Surely! One Usually Thinks He's ok B4...)

Go with your instincts!

I arrived home from an out-of-town, only-get-to-do-these-on-employer-tab, maximise-per-diem-minimize-expenditure type-thingy (breathe in, breathe out, inhale, exhale...). Haven't seen ka-sweetie in three days! Want to see her but I know she can't leave the house. Need quality time so I decide to settle for Michael-Joseph time with option of QT, face-to-face, body warmth to body warmth meeting in the morrow. Sweet voice on other side of cell seems understanding... Call up usual drink buddy G Heezaho. Agree to meet at Ice-cream by day, keroro by night joint in Westlands. On the way there, guilt takes control and boom-twiff mobile is redirected towards South B.

Supfull for Life

Arrive at gate 2000hrs kasa robo. Looking lovely as ever, better half (by far) opens gate.

Conversation:

• Supu: "Hi Sweets!" Mmwa! Mmwa! "How was the trip? Want to come in?"
• Yours sincerely truly: "Trip was great darling! Whose inside?"
• Supu: "Just Guka and Cucu. Come say hi..."
• YT: "Em... No sweetie... Can't... Was just passing by to say hi. Free tomorrow?"
• Supu: "Just enter for a minute..."
• Conversation interrupted by SMS coming through. Heezaho checking to see where YT is.
• YT looks up from phone to continue conversation only for...
• Third party: "Unajua hi nini?" - brandishing magnum colt, AK42-thru-to-7, version 2.0, with powerfoam

Downhill from there!

The next ten-twenty minutes comprised YT's involvement in a low-budget, poorly acted, crime story. Boom-twiff mobile is a 3-door. YT is 6 something (zero I think!) When third party requests YT to move to back of car, there's no time to: open door, step out, shift chair forward, step in, shift chair back. Somehow, abracadabra, I find myself in back seat. (Have since tried same manoeuvre repeatedly and failed.) Third party (3rd) happens to have brought two friends along so they are a party of three... Touche... 3rd joins YT at back as 4th takes passenger seat and 5th, driver's.

Then begins unsteady drive to nearby Slumville as 3rd indulges himself in ten-minute free-shopping spree at YT supermarket, InCar branch, open 24-7! On special offer are a Nokia x210, SonyXplod car stereo (plus dangling wires), attached diskman, CD therein with latest ragga and 3k kenya shillings, cash money, bob!

Request for return of sim card elicits "Nitakugonga kichwa na mak*nd*!" response to which YT becomes a certified mute. From in-car 3rd party discussions I picked up his name to be Chip Kruk...

Now you see me, now you don't!

Arrival in the Slumville environs is swiftly followed by 3rd, 4th and 5th exiting boom-twiff. Doors ajar, engine running, YT collects himself from back of car. Recent passengers blend in with various parties walking the street, like sugar in a hot cup of tea!

Epilogue

YT then drives back to the House of Supu and borrows some 2k. He rushes off to join G Heezaho. That's the most deserved drink he's had in ages!!