Starlet to Body, 60 MPH
This is a story from my earlier days, the day I realised the perils of drinking!! It involves an old, innocent jogger, several watchmen, a childhood friend and one damsel I used to pursue with fervent diligence. Writer's note: Years before I met my Atoti-Alright, Kairetu-most-Lovely, Gachungwa-most-Dear; my soulmate.
The only reason I document this is to highlight the hazards of reckless drinking and driving. The light-hearted content is by no means meant to downplay the gravity of the incident and the remorse thereafter.
Dawn to Dusk, Dusk till Dawn
It was a typical Saturday, the weekly routine was established; repeated piously, severally and religiously:
- 1100hrs: Milonare in Boom-twiff-Mobile (B-t-M) picks G Heezaho
- 1200hrs: Milonare and aforementioned G Heezaho outside Caltex Starmart
- 1205hrs: M&G seated on pavement contributing to KBL's supernormal profits
- 1206hrs: Xplod, tweeters etc unleash the spoils of piracy to ears near and far
- 1400hrs: Refer to 1205hrs and 1206hrs
- 1400hrs: M&G merrily singing along to Boom-twiff-Mobile, not a care in the world
- 1500hrs: Refer to 1205hrs, 1206hrs and 1400hrs
- 1501hrs: Need to shift base discussed in loud, slurring speech
- 1502hrs: Xplod, tweeters etc unleash silence to ears near and far
- 1503hrs: Need to push B-t-M discussed in even louder, more slurred speech
- 1515hrs: B-t-M engine purring like a cat
- 1516hrs: Refer to 1206hrs and 1400hrs. B-t-M enroute to next location.
Midnight - JKays
Things are reaching fever pitch, KBL and UDV products are being amalgamated to further heighten euphoria! Spot damsel with her friends: long on primping and preening, short on body cover... Saunter towards ladies in motion somewhere between a bounce and a stagger... Stupidity begins...
6 in da mornin
Hours later (wallet-battered) damsel and friend need a ride home. G Heezaho has disappeared from sight, livin' up to his name!
- Milonare home to Damsel home = 5km
- JKays to Milonare home = 2km
- JKays to Damsel's friend's home = 34km!! D*mn!
30 minutes later (odometer := odometer + 34km) motion towards Damsel's home begins. Attempts to remain awake with window open, wind on face, thwarted by Damsel's request for heater in car (given the prior mentioned deficit in body cover).
Another 32 minutes later (odometer := ...) Baba damsel wakes up both M&D as both fell fast asleep on arrival at the gate and hooting.
Mzee, pole sana!
Trip back home a blur. Realisation of slumber while driving on
- Sound of sickening thud
- Opened eyes viewing pink thigh on windscreen
- Unhindered access of wind to face thru now open windscreen
- Sound of body on car-roof
- Sight of body to ground on rear-view mirror
- Car lost control when driver fell asleep
- Car veered to right of road
- Innocent jogger on right of road knocked by car
- Innocent jogger was 56 years old
Kusema kweli, ningeenda!
Attempt was made to drive back to scene and assist innocent victim. Gang of watchmen trekking back home from a hard night's work ominously approach vehicle attempting to open doors. Car driven off and U-turned from safe distance. Window opened as gang surrounding victim was being approached. Attempt made to shout at gang to follow car to nearby police station. Shout interrupted by various gang-to-car, hand-to-body, stone-to-head-and-torso missiles amidst choir-like chants of Ua! Chinja! Choma!
One of missiles hits target, sharp pain at back of head and warm, wet liquid gushes down neck.
The long and short of the story is:
- victim miraculously survived with only a few cuts on legs and hands!!
- driver charged with reckless driving - 12 stitches later
- charges eventually dropped as expatriate victim fled country in fear of life
- extremely lucky driver changed drinking ways
- extremely lucky driver still full of remorse...
Someone up there likes me!!