Hazards of being a BACHEL’R

Hazards of being a BACHEL’R (BilA CHakula on the rEguL’R)

This life of being a bachelor is ngumu sana, ngumu sana!! Proper food is as hard to come by as lack of motion on Kifaki’s lips. Lunch and supper are usually sawaz but the problem is breakfast! Joints are not open at that time my guy! You arrive at ofisi belly tupu… Mind you, tumbo is not amused... In fact, it usually decides to get its own back at you.

It waits for two occasions:

During a meeting - Discussions are underway, yadi yada, then there’s a moment’s silence. As if on cue there it goes: njooorrrrrr... You hold your breath, suck in and push out your tummy repetitively. It tulias a while. Just as discussions are resuming – njooooorrrrrrrrr.... You are getting increasingly uncomfortable. You add kazaring rasa kinyama to the list of countermeasures – njo,njooorrrrrrrr!!! My guy!!

When a cute dem is around - You be getting your mack on! Suit be tight, shoes polished, 1881 cerruti!!! She approaches your chair from behind, gently brushing against your shoulder with her bre[shut your mouth!], and asks you to show her something on your screen. Tumbo chekas kidogo and then: kwiii-njooorrrrrrr!!!! She suddenly has something else to do and exits quick… Demmit!!!

The Aftermath
Now, as if to add pilipili hoho to injury, there’s always the aftermath of kazaring your diabs. It results in swallowing. Depending on how important the meeting (or how cute the dem) was, you may have a swallow-partial or a swallow-wholesale.

The Remedy
Swallow-partial is easily dealt with. Stand up. Raise one heel, spread legs slightly as combination of index finger and thumb extricates swallowed ngotha from b*tt cheeks through trouser. There’s usually the accompanying slight sound: “siiaap”.

Things become a bit more complicated with swallow-wholesale… Ngotha has been converted into a g-string (with no evidence that posterior back-cover ever existed). Jamaa is bila boxer-line when in traos-skintight. This one requires a visit to the loo to sort out! Enter loo, lock yourself ndani securely, unleash trao. Place left and right thumb under what is left visible of ngotha on top of left and right tanye respectively. Yank outwards in swift and strong motion! Don’t be surprised if you hear the sound of a suction pump being released…

Whichever the case, tumbo’s work is done! You can almost hear it laughing again in the background…

And we wonder why guys get married??