Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Hazards of being a BACHEL’R

Hazards of being a BACHEL’R (BilA CHakula on the rEguL’R)

This life of being a bachelor is ngumu sana, ngumu sana!! Proper food is as hard to come by as lack of motion on Kifaki’s lips. Lunch and supper are usually sawaz but the problem is breakfast! Joints are not open at that time my guy! You arrive at ofisi belly tupu… Mind you, tumbo is not amused... In fact, it usually decides to get its own back at you.

It waits for two occasions:

During a meeting - Discussions are underway, yadi yada, then there’s a moment’s silence. As if on cue there it goes: njooorrrrrr... You hold your breath, suck in and push out your tummy repetitively. It tulias a while. Just as discussions are resuming – njooooorrrrrrrrr.... You are getting increasingly uncomfortable. You add kazaring rasa kinyama to the list of countermeasures – njo,njooorrrrrrrr!!! My guy!!

When a cute dem is around - You be getting your mack on! Suit be tight, shoes polished, 1881 cerruti!!! She approaches your chair from behind, gently brushing against your shoulder with her bre[shut your mouth!], and asks you to show her something on your screen. Tumbo chekas kidogo and then: kwiii-njooorrrrrrr!!!! She suddenly has something else to do and exits quick… Demmit!!!

The Aftermath
Now, as if to add pilipili hoho to injury, there’s always the aftermath of kazaring your diabs. It results in swallowing. Depending on how important the meeting (or how cute the dem) was, you may have a swallow-partial or a swallow-wholesale.

The Remedy
Swallow-partial is easily dealt with. Stand up. Raise one heel, spread legs slightly as combination of index finger and thumb extricates swallowed ngotha from b*tt cheeks through trouser. There’s usually the accompanying slight sound: “siiaap”.

Things become a bit more complicated with swallow-wholesaleNgotha has been converted into a g-string (with no evidence that posterior back-cover ever existed). Jamaa is bila boxer-line when in traos-skintight. This one requires a visit to the loo to sort out! Enter loo, lock yourself ndani securely, unleash trao. Place left and right thumb under what is left visible of ngotha on top of left and right tanye respectively. Yank outwards in swift and strong motion! Don’t be surprised if you hear the sound of a suction pump being released…

Whichever the case, tumbo’s work is done! You can almost hear it laughing again in the background…

And we wonder why guys get married??

13 Comments:

Blogger nick said...

Ebu ngoja-i need to breathe again!
kijana-ur choice of words is extremely refreshing and graphic and am totally loving this blog...ur filthy mind reminds me of-ME!!!! Gaddamn ur spot on! and u have killer phrases "kazaring diabs" "kazaring kinyama"

1.For starters my tummy experiences those sounds but mine dont sound like rumblings... yaani its like my butt is a ventriloquist-the sounds emanating from my tummy sound like a distinct fart!!

2.
"Place left and right thumb under what is left visible of ngotha on top of left and right tanye respectively." LMAO squared!
-that swallow whole is the kind that only 'All Saints' know where its at!!hope u remember the song.trust me in such a scenario the above elastic of the said ngotha is so up your back-above your belt nearing your shoulders-damn! and the relief after emergency adjusting always leads to a smile

-Partial swallow: the little nibble that either divides ur cheeks into 3 and if symetry is ur thing into four!

Am tellin u, guys have perfected this art-of manouvering out of wedgies. the wrinkled ngotha is extricated with such finese and precision cause if done to hastily ur anterior bean sack gets caught in the mishap-trust me elastic and the sack are not friends

ebu i stop bloggin on ur post bout briefs e.g what happens if u don't shake well and are wearing briefs...mmmh mmmh mmmh...that certain drying...followed by stickin...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005 8:31:00 PM  
Blogger Wambui said...

Fantastic!

@Nick - yani no words!

Thursday, August 04, 2005 1:43:00 AM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

Ha ha ha. Then get married soon.

Thursday, August 04, 2005 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

milonare
I changed my mind please check into mathare soon. A glass of water in the morning would keep the rumblings at bay atleast for the first two hours in the office before tea break.
@nick I see you have a convert or is it a double you guys are crazy.

Thursday, August 04, 2005 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

oh my goodness. i havnt laughed quite so hard in a while. tears rolling down to the point im sitting in a puddle! great! im loving it loving it loving it!

Thursday, August 04, 2005 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@nick
hehehehe - ati you've called the partial swallow a nibble - how appropriate! Please don't stop blogging here ngotha or non-ngothawise...
hehehehe - a nibble...

@wambui
Thanks. You've featured in the next blog ;)

@shiroh
Najaripu.. Lakini ma-dem wanakimbia wakisikia mawiko ya tumbo...

@prousette
How could you? The way I was going to use you as a convert to convince the rest ;)

@kipepeo
Thank you, thank you, thank you... Feedback is always appreciated!!

Thursday, August 04, 2005 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

lol @ swallow wholesale and pilipili hoho to an injury.

as I said mathare has no place for you and nick. I'm shopping around for aka hosi that will agree to have you. as for now blogging is helping and the meds plus.

BTW that ngrooooo is not just a jamaa thing.

Friday, August 05, 2005 12:48:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@farmgal

Pls make sure the hosi has ndaos and samos...

I, however, refuse to wear those green aprons that expose your thutha to public viewing and wind!!!

Friday, August 05, 2005 7:09:00 PM  
Anonymous afromusing said...

"Ngotha has been converted into a g-string (with no evidence that posterior back-cover ever existed). "

Freaking Hilarious!! damn, i had to stop halfway and inhale more air before continuing! Damn i enjoy your blog!!

Friday, August 05, 2005 9:24:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Good to have you back Afro, good to have you back...

Saturday, August 06, 2005 5:26:00 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Kumba this was you!! LOL I got this in my mail as a forward but without attribution and laughed my head off! Brilliant dude!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 12:32:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Thanks Ms k, thanks...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 3:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Clifford Parilla said...

I am looking forward to your posts.

Saturday, December 17, 2005 3:19:00 PM  

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