Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Vexing and Vicious Violence in VURAS pt I

Vexing and Vicious Violence in VURAS (mvumilivu hula mbiVU – maRASa) pt I

The brilliant posts on night-life encounters doing the rounds in KBW (gishungwa and guess )brought back a flood of memories from my nights out in Nairobi...

Assess those assets
We, men-folk are notorious for tapping the tanye, dabbling with diabs and/or pinching the posterior when out in the club. Nowadays, chicks have also joined the butt brigade - you flaunt it, I feel it - and it’s not uncommon to experience a rear-side reaction to a feminine feel.

From a male perspective, one needs to be very discerning and cautious, as the advance may be taken well or badly, very badly. Let’s just say there are two major consequences to the butt attack:

  • Copious careless caresses (if you’re lucky) - Triple C
  • Embarrassing ejection from establishment (if you ain’t) - Triple E
The latter seems to out-populate the former 99:1 for the gents. Wonder what it is for the ladies, 1:99 perhaps??

Rocknite Rules
You are either part of:

  • the Kenya-Nite crew that is still undecided at midnight whether to rush to Carni, head home or stay put
  • the Already-in-Carni crew that have by now replaced the sweat of running to beat the 9 o’clock buzzer with sweat from dancing mzungu-style to that wonderful rock mix.
My pal Zee and I decided to rush to Carni from K-Nite despite my early morning meeting the next day (ooops - on that day). We arrived just to find our good pal Priti Bwaai buying liquor like Prohibition was going to hit KBL the next day.

All was well until he insisted… three hours later… as we were finally heading home… to buy us each a couple of parting shots. Chumvi kwa mkono, meza chumvi, bottoms up, ndimu, eishhhhh (y’all know that tequila drill).

Fist of Fury
A threesome of (slightly) tipsy buddies then began the staggering trek from Kichaka bar to the exit. Enroute, Priti spots this damsel and decides to tap… no, that does not describe it… grab… not yet, not descriptive enough.. scoop… yes, that’s it, scoop the chick’s posterior.

Yani, the guy okotad a bucketful of buttock, a truckload of tanye, a drum-full of diab!!! Unfortunately, Manzi wa Nairobi was not unaccompanied. She was with her possewathii wa mathree, wasee wa mtaa…

I remember said wathii attempting to attack Priti, I remember Zee and I rushing to join in the fray, I remember trying to unleash a Shaolin temple kick with accompanying “kiaiiiiii”, I remember nothing else…

To be continued…

23 Comments:

Blogger kipepeo said...

yaaay. got here first!!! finally!! anyway...as to why men insist on scooping is beyond me!! but LMAO at the shaolin temple kick...i miss kung fu the legend. that dude was the bestest!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger two6e4yu said...

Esh, reminds me of "i am Cain, i will help you..."

You remember nothing else??? Is that a blackout? Chapwad thoroughly ama?!!! LOL...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@kipepeo
You get the prize for 1st place...
Said kick was executed with the grace and skill of a Shaolin monk (in my mind that is) ;)

@two6e
Gai... El sweetio... Si we agreed we'll be discussing these mambos digolloz... Blue may get some ideas reading this... I reigned supreme as you'll see in part 2 ;)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 3:24:00 PM  
Blogger Prousette said...

second kipepeo what is it about men and baa"hinds?
To me the vision is enough to ascertain that they are not silicone implants do you have to prove it by touching?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 3:28:00 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

"Yani, the guy okotad a bucketful of buttock, a truckload of tanye, a drum-full of diab!!!"

lol...yaani that ka description. Keeping paws to yourself is truly a lost tradition..though i do not co-sign that tabia of toushing toushing

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 4:06:00 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

Obviously my boss is working me hard today seeing as I am number five here :(

Milo - I have no idea why men think its flattering to touch a woman's behind - it is sexual harassment whichever way you look at it. I wont speak for men but i wouldnt do that to anyone that I wasnt with.

Do tell Milo, you blacked out right, ass was whooped big time? Come-on, you dont have to be a hero - we got your back! He he he

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 5:05:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@prousette/kipepeo/guess
My theory is that there's a certain male weakness called ego which, when mixed with alcohol and some other stuff called malreasoning, triggers an automatic hand-to-thutha reaction.

That said, I agree scoops should be restricted to willing tanyes ;)

@prousette
LOL at visual proof of non-silicone-ness LOL

@msanii
Tempted to toush, tempted to toush - sing with me ;)

@nursy
I shall not read into being worked hard;)

Ati you wouldn't do it to someone you weren't with - LOL. Confessions 101...

You be talking to one Shaolin, ninjitsu, jujitsu, fujistu rolled in one... Whaddya mean ass whooped big time??? ;)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 5:20:00 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

Ha ha - my boss bats for the other team, so the only hard work we do here is ..er.. hard work :)

If I am with an S/O then I wouldnt need to be tempted to toush, I would toush because then that is not violation, but I wouldnt do it to say .. you, even if you were being cheeky and wasnt taking your medication. But, but, if you put your medication under your tongue and refuse to swallow, I would pinch your cheeks... *running round the corner to hide and escape the Shaolin et al inspired kick*

You are still standing by the statement that you werent whooped? How come you dont remember, tell the nurse, she might get you checked over for a possible concussion :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 5:46:00 PM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

Milo can see u went to the extend of putting the kashaolin expression at da pic...
I agree with u on da theory of the male ego and when you unleashed it u definately take it all..

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 5:48:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@guess
Wewe wacha... I'm still jogging the memory. My boss bats for same team as yours. You should see the temper tantrums ofisini...

We Shaolins have a strict non-use of lethal weapons that are our hands and feet unless absolutely necessary *said coaxing nurse to return from corner as pills are due*

I suspect it was the training that took over hence my lack of memory ;)

@nakeel
Hahaha... Unleash what? The ego? The kick? The scoop? ;)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 6:04:00 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

@Milo...hivyo ndio ulipoteza yule mtoto mwingine? now way am I following a looney's advice..i mean looney in the most endearing way ...btw you win some you lose some.

@Nurse..my meds better be candy coated today..or else a Ruckus is in the offing ..be warned

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 7:59:00 PM  
Blogger Blue Poet said...

Be right back.




Blue

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 8:32:00 PM  
Anonymous acolyte said...

Ukiguza mali na mali si yako,utajuta as the song goes.That post really take me back.You have forgotten the langas.There are some who i used to see there so much when I was a regular mpaka we were pals ( only pals!).We are waiting for part 2 eagerly!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 11:07:00 PM  
Blogger k.i.d.a.d.a said...

Impressive and totally hilarious! Hehehe!

I find guys who resort to doing that kinda shady! A self respecting man should know better than 'SCOOP that @ss'!

So you're in a drunken stupor and find it fit to do so...a resounding SLAP will bring you back to your senses...you bumperklart!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger nick said...

am with milo "Yani, the guy okotad a bucketful of buttock, a truckload of tanye, a drum-full of diab!!!"
that there was the post itself!!!! LMAO...mpaka u did that alliteration thing in poetry u are funny!
to the ladies:u'll never understand!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@msanii
Mtoto mgani sasa?

Singing without action is sawaz... My advice is to restrict scoops to willing tanyes... Ignore it at your own peril ;)

@blue
Ok... Wedding plans???

@acolyte
Said mali was guzwad kwa nguvu bila kusamehewa... Eish, ungeona ungecheka ;)

Hahahaha... You'll have a hard time convincing us (and urself) that you were only pals ;)

@kidada
Kinda ama fully shady?? LOL at bumperklart. Said SLAP has been and will continue to restore senses to buttock-attackers...

@nick
Roomie.. Preach on, preach on... Kuna trigger action and those madiabas are magnetic!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Wambui said...

LOL! Ati "Prohibition was going to hit KBL the next day" VCannot stop laughing!

LOL @ "the guy okotad a bucketful of buttock, a truckload of tanye, a drum-full of diab!!!" But with the girls on total incomphrehension re pinching butts!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 9:04:00 PM  
Blogger Blue Poet said...

LOL LOL!!!

One day when I am in a good mood I will post my encounters with an unruly mob of Egerton University students at Dimples in Nakuru!

Blue

Thursday, September 01, 2005 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@wambui
And the way jamaas assume it increases their chances... I guess it means that if a chile lets you get away with it, she'll let you get away with murder!!! ;)

@blue
My guy, you must unleash that storo... Given the mood with the nuptials and all, can we get the post soon???? ;)

Thursday, September 01, 2005 4:11:00 PM  
Anonymous mshairi said...

Er, hmmm, sorry, Milo but I would probably have hit Pritti too (silly bwaai:) had I been that young woman. And I am not a violent person in the slightest...:)

You tell the story so well and with so much humuour:)

Friday, September 02, 2005 1:27:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Yani if you too would hit said bwaai then the jury is in and unanimous - scoopers be warned, total non-acceptance, very probable violent reaction...

;)

Friday, September 02, 2005 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

i must cofesst o two things first that i have slapped a person or two on the allegations that "the guy okotad a bucketful of buttock, a truckload of tanye, a drum-full of diab!!!"
2ndly i love to scoop jamaas behinds though i dont make it a habit then put on an innocent face with big round eyes so far so good.
The blog... hilarious both parts

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@gishungwa
LOLOL
So the 1:99 and 99:1 ratios are correct? I knew it!!!

Thanks

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 12:07:00 PM  

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