Sunday, September 18, 2005

Where’s that d*mn JUALA?

Where’s that d*mn JUALA(Jaluo thot he was ndani bUt ALA!!)?

A good friend of mine, called Theopisti MacAgoy Jathurwa, happened to spot a certain damsel he had been eyeing for a while at a local nightspot the other day. Said damsel, though be-boyfriend-ed, had been giving him the signs for a while now (or so he thought).

“Which signs?” you may ask, to which I shall respond “Those signs – you know – those ones!!!” Anyway, if you don't know them, this is not about you but about Theopisti…

So Theopisti (let’s call him Theo coz my fingers are getting tired typing his name) embarks on the commonly used, still unpatented, male ritual of “Is there any more room for me in those jeans?”Akiey's patent pending… Specific applications, success rates and durations vary but the principle always remains the same:

Keep jeansbegone intentions hidden until they will be well-received, if not encouraged…

Step one – Captain Courageous
Theo beckons the waiter to angusha two more raos mfululizo and top it up with some sambuca. It’s not easy putting urself out there when sober just to be mowed down by her no/never/guffaw-of-disbelief/not-in-ur-wildest-dreams/talk-to-the-hand… Anyway, if you fail when tipsy/high you have the age old excuses of “I was drunk” or “she must be a lesbo”And additionally, you actually don’t give a d*mn anywayz…

Step two – Major Mona
Like a lamb to the slaughter - er.. I mean - like a panther on the prowl, Theo approaches his prey… Events of the past few days had contrived to work in Theo’s favour… Said damsel, lets call her Mona Lott Toonite (Mona), had been having domez with boyfi… And she just found out that he’d been cheating on her with her best friend, Mekhmi Kam… She decided to get back at him that very night!!!

She's been sitting at the bar by the dancefloor wiggling in her seat to Jerry Joe's:

Huu ni mwaka wa kusakata kata kata
Huu ni mwaka wa kuangusha ngusha mahewa

Step three – General Gugumizi
Theo approaches, Mona smiles… Theo looks back to see who she’s smiling at… Spotting no one, he surreptitiously checks if his fly is open. He also licks his teeth to ensure that there are food remnants on canine-incisors. Mona is still donning a welcome smile… Theo’s heart skips a beat… Mona utters an oh so s*xy, feminine, teasing “hi you” batting eye-lids like she’s trying to fan the room… Theo opens his mouth to speak but no words come out…

Anyway, lets just say Theo’s quarterly drinks’ budget is decimated that night on a drink Mona seems to love and Theo can’t pronounce… Theo then speculatively asks if Mona needs a ride home… Mona says she needs to go tell her friends that she’s leaving with him… “Yeah right” he thinks to himself and comforts himself in the thought that drinks are bad for the liver so it was about time he took a 3-month break…

As he starts towards the exit a gentle, smooth-skinned hand grabs his from behind. “Leaving without me?” Mona asks… “Ching-ching” Theo thinks to himself…

Step four – Sergeant Slobber
Throughout the drive Mona says little verbally, but her body language says a lot… When queried about where she’d like to be dropped she replies “my aunt won’t let me into the house at this hour. Is there anywhere else we can go for a few hours?” Theo suggests his place and instinctively ducks expecting a slap… “Fine” she says much to Theo’s surprise

The entry into Theo’s flat is as awkward as it is hurried… Nervous fingers fumbling with the pesky keys, furtive attempts to clear sitting room area of ngothas on seats and decaying foodstuffs on top of telly… The forward Mona decides to cut to the chase and expresses distress about a crick in her neck… Theo is on her like a ton of bricks, kneading shoulders like an overzealous masseuse called Olga…

Mona asks him to be gentle to which he acquiesces for a while… As she turns around she is hit smack in the face by Slobberdown Milosevic (no relation of Milo BTW)… Uncontrolled saliva-ridden lips are planted on cheeks, nose, forehead and chin… Hands grasp the thutha and begin squeezing and tugging in squeegee-like motion… He soon has her in a round-robin combination of headlocks, chin-locks and submission holds that the Nature Boy Ric Flair would have been very proud of!!!

This ruff treatment knocks the senses back into Mona… Being the quick thinker she is, she goes with the flow and asks: “Do you have it?” to which and over-excited Theo enquires: “It? What it?” slobber slobber
  • Mona: “Protection, we must use protection..” wipe face, wipe face…
  • Theo : “Aaah.. do we have to? We’re both clean ama?” slurp slurp
  • Mona: “No, no, no… We must some” wring blouse, wring blouse
  • Theo : “Ok, its in the room, lemme get it…”
Theo Ben-Johnsons into the room, scrimmages thru his drawers fervently searching for a juala taking the better part of 5 mins…

Lieutenant Lightning
He eventually emerges to find an empty couch, front-door ajar… Rushing to the door he spots a tiny dot in the horizon that was once Mona – she hoofed it out of there like a bolt of lightning stilettos in hand…

Theo returns to his room a beaten man. He switches on the radio just to catch Pilipili singing:

Ukimwona mwambie namtaka
Ukimwona mwambie namsaka
Ukimwona mwambie namhata
Bado ajue nampenda
Ukimwona-aaa-a
Ukimwona-aaa-a

As he prepares to lala njeve, "Where was the d*mn juala" is Theo’s lament…

23 Comments:

Blogger nick said...

I'd like to thank the academy for being first on this auspacious occasion. Milo I thank you for the words...Blogger you were a vessel!! For others that were great competition..Guess Kipepeo and Acolyte, you were worthy but evidently not fast opponents.

And with this first place trophy i'd like to advocate for peace in the world and encourage others that if u dream hard enough you too can make a difference and this position can be yours to claim. The journey was long and tortuos...bumpy dial-ups, cunniving Milo, enduring Guess...but i have triumphed!

Thank you all...

Sunday, September 18, 2005 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger nick said...

POST AWARDS interview:

Q:What did u think of Milo's?
Nick:What post?

anyway...now that i have read it

LMAO
1.slobberdown raw lip-Smackdown. ati wringin blouse after Milo-sevic has tried lickin her off
2.ati u pinned her Ric Flair style as she tries to grab onto a rope or something to avoid submission. yaani she has clutched at straws but that ref is goin straight for the 1-2-3
3.Ati we're both clean?

@milo: Guess on her good days does some very neat tricks as Olga, her accent is convincing and her torture paralysing! Boy oh Boy!

Sunday, September 18, 2005 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

Can see the family flowing....
@Bro 2.. how was the kaweekend?..
eeh have chekad vilivyo.. Kwani Theo is thick aje? maze things like jualas they are kept within reach no wonder he got a very good lesson... can i say next time he will be careful..

Sunday, September 18, 2005 4:55:00 PM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

You still wanna know where the Jualas were... He had hide some under the bed and only one was in his pocket but he was in hurry to get **it** so he could not remember where he kept them lol...
Nice post...

Sunday, September 18, 2005 4:56:00 PM  
Blogger kenyanprodigaldaughter said...

hands grasp thuta in squeegee like motion?? you guy... you´ve killed me with chekoz.

Sunday, September 18, 2005 7:56:00 PM  
Blogger kenyanprodigaldaughter said...

i mean thutha. *still laughing very loudly*

Sunday, September 18, 2005 8:00:00 PM  
Anonymous acolyte said...

yenyewe that post was on point.All the best laid plans of men sometimes go heywire.Ati "we're both clean"Hahahahahaha.You kill me!

Sunday, September 18, 2005 10:25:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@nick
That ka-speech - hahahaha ati blogger was a vessel LOL. World peace and working hard to be position one LMAO...

Didn't I make it clear Milosevic aint no relation of mine?? Roomie bana... ur killing me here...

Imagine Mona's hand being raised by the ref and flopping to the floor twice but third time it starts to drop then suddenly starts shaking Hulk Hogan style as she overcomes the 1-2-3 odds LOLOL

LOL at Nurse Olga

@naks
It's plain science. Theo ain't thick. Lakini blood can only be at one head at a time. By the time its kule chini, ile ya juu haifanyi kazi LOL

LOL at Juala within proximity/vicinity/reach... The ones kept under the bed might be chewed by rodents hahahaha

@kpd
It's like that ka-thutha was attacked by the bum squad... brotha had no clue of gentle caresses... It was the full mfinyoz...

@acolyte
Sasa roomie... Tha guy thot it was the full angukis (windfall gains) lakini... Mpango was converted in mshangao LOL

U've never used that one?? (Jus kidding)

Monday, September 19, 2005 7:58:00 AM  
Anonymous M said...

The best laid plans of mice and men ...

Monday, September 19, 2005 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

Lol! @ this hilarious Theo & Mona (mis)adventure:)) Poor guy must have had Robert Kelly's "Bump n' Grind" playing in his mind,lol!

Milo, not to worry, my patent application wil go through since the licensing board will want to cut to the chase & issue me patent:)
Will be back laters, laughing awaaaay!

Monday, September 19, 2005 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

"Keep jeansbegone intentions hidden until they will be well-received, if not encouraged…"
By the time you are having the intentions the said damsel will have sensed them by radar days earlier so do not bother. Why are men THIS slow? BTW Mona must have figured the end she achieved kedo 30 minutes before the fact.
Nice post as usual whatever it is Olga/Guess is giving you is all good.....

Monday, September 19, 2005 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Wangari said...

honestly, i dont know where you get these posts from but keep going back for more... hehehehe

i loved rick flair bana, he was the one with the white hair sio?

Monday, September 19, 2005 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

ok, iv read this like twice on two different days and i still cant stop laughing....u are one mad nutter!!! i love the names!!
@nick..evil evil evil!!!

Monday, September 19, 2005 2:47:00 PM  
Blogger Acolyte said...

damn!the comment i was typing just now potead!milonare is this payback or what.just so funny the way the jamaa unleased moto vibe, shocked raos and things umanad in the end.tee hee hee this one is indeed a classic I must say so.lakini ppl like stunuh, nakeel,wangari and all the other ladies should give it to us from the chics point of view.

Monday, September 19, 2005 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Medusa said...

Ha! 'We're both clean'..famous last words.

Monday, September 19, 2005 4:12:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@m
Some once responded that he was a mouse to the query "man or mouse?". he added that that was why all the p*ssies were chasing him LOLOL

@akiey
Hey bro...

The song changed to "why me baby" by Keith Sweat soon thereafter..

Can I be your first reseller with exclusive rights for the Africa region? ;)

@prous
Is it jus me ama u've been MIA chez moi *sob sob*

Do not bother unless radar detected and jeans were willing right??

Thx thought I hope nursy wont increase meds. Beginning to feel woozy!!

@wangari
Its called the harsh knocks of life and idle bar chatting LOL

Yup. Ric Flair with his "Woooo!!" chant and magic walk hehehehehe

@bfly
Thx kips ;) Is the tag out? ;)
*Still drumming fingers*

@acolyte
The law of karma and comment swallowing LOLOL

Ati shocking raos LMAO. When you put in too much, you usually get little in return - less is more!!!

I echo u on th ladies perspective...

@medusa
Yes indeed. From Rock Hud... to the millions to-date!!!

Howz u??

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

First of all Nicholas: I know appearances can be deceiving but I have it on very good authority that I read this post first :) Not a debatable point BTW.

Two: Rationing of rational meds is on you from now on - ati calling me Olga - you have crossed the line: (V a not amused - said in a very bad Russian accent)

Milo(sevic) - hmm, Slobodan alright...those sqeegee moments are juvenile to say the least - and the slob and gob affair aint cute, just slimy! Truth is, even if its a revenge f*, there is only so much a person can endure, and your Theo definitely makes the cut.

Cool cool post, you and roomie need to be on your guard though, you do remember the corner, right? Straight jackets in your size, no scratch that - two sizes smaller coming up! :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Afromusing said...

too funny! Slobberdown milosevic? ai too good. Killed me! but then again you do that all the time.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 2:32:00 AM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

That whole Milosevic paragraph & what Theo thuggedly does to Mona is graphically violent,lol! I can picture Theo has these rough, dry, raspy,sandpaper-like ashy hands gropping all over Mona's cuteness...hihi, no wonder gal came back to her senses & "Caught The Last Train To Georgia",lol!
- As your name suggests Milo(nare), it will be financially wiseto give you exclusive rights to my patented brand for the entire continent. Stil 'lol' @Keith Sweat's song.

@Wangari, Thumbs up! I was Rick Flare fan too!!

@Guess, aie,aie! Eti strip jackets "two sizes smaller coming up" You kill me. Glad I aint made you madd (yet?).

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@G
Ati a revenge f*? LMAO. Squeegeeing with a vengeance LOL

Slim frame will fit into tighter straitjackets bila probi... LOLOL

@afro
Thx. Jamaa wanted to digest prey LOL

@akiey
Poor, poor Mona turned Grona...

Ati Train to Georgia? LMAO

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 4:44:00 PM  
Anonymous mshairi said...

I read the stuff you write, milo and as always, find it extremely hilarious. Is Theopisti MacAgoy Jathurwa you? Dont shoot me - just asking:)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 9:36:00 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

You are hilarious ric flair and the jeans be gone am sure damsel had the thoughts first. It's clear that your boy hana yake je una yako?

Thursday, September 22, 2005 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@mshairi
No. Its not me... (or is it?)

It seems poems have been poured to finish me if you are assuming it is me LOLOL

Thx Mrs Blue

@gish
Thx...

Theo quickly changed those thoughts she had!!

Nina yangu! LOLOLOL

Thursday, September 22, 2005 5:10:00 PM  

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