Monday, July 31, 2006

DisequiliriBUM

DisequiliriBUM (B*tt cheeks UnMatched)
The law of equilibrium states that “things have a way of balancing out over time.”
The law of disequiliribum states that “disproportional b*tt cheeks lead to discomfort and side-sliding in sitting; additionally, they skew the effect of swallowing by a factor theta

Preamble - Wallowing in Swallowing
Let’s begin with the premise that a boxer short normally worn results in two adjacent square shapes covering the posterior cheeks.

  • Now, when you have a wholesale swallow, the rear cover is sucked in between the cheeks resulting in a T shape marking cheek demarcation (Vertical) and round-the-waist elastic (Horizontal). In ladies fashion this is called a thong. Theta is 100% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
  • In a partial swallow, the two square covers are converted, by suction pressure, into a pair of downward facing right-angled triangles subdivided by the vertical cheek demarcation. Looked at from a distance, the combination looks like a downward facing isosceles triangle. Theta is 50% as a measure of cloth cover that has vanished.
  • In a nibble (a la Nick), suction pressure is not strong enough or cheek protrusion is not sizeable. The two squares maintain relatively the same shape by there is a slight dent between them where a portion of cloth cover vanished. Theta is 5%.
Amble - Poor Fulo
Fulo* was born with a posterior defect that rendered the outer circumference of one b*tt cheek disproportionately larger than its twin/sibling/cheekmate… Let’s just say that one of the cheeks was Ugandan (turgid/mahaga) and the other was Japanese (flaccid/ma-flat-nesses). For Fulo, right circumference was/is greater than left; the surface area canvassed by the cover of the underwear on the right was far more than that on the left… It caused and continues to cause him loads of problems:

  • Plasma screen. Watching TV was an issue as Fulo would tend to find himself angled obtuse (right side) and acute (left side) to perpendicular. Methods used to prop up an unsteady table i.e. placing a bottle top or folded paper under the shorter leg, were necessary to restore proportional normalcy to his sitting up straight. Fulo used a pillow or paper-filled wallet against the left cheek to good measure. It was not uncommon to find Fulo sleeping on his left side despite starting his sleep lying square on his back. Gravity, centrifuge and flowing with the current, favoured motion towards the left.
  • Sucked right in. Fortunately for Fulo, he did not suffer from swallow-wholesales (see above) or swallow-partials (see previous about seeing above)… Unfortunately he was subject to nibbles (see previous about seeing previous to see above)…
  • Potting in pool. As Fulo would bend over to take a shot in pool, there were oooohs and ahhhhhs from admiring female spectators to his right. Sadly however, there were uurrghs and woiyes from the female spectators to his left
  • Sagging his jeans. Fulo always wanted to be with the in-crowd. Part of this involved sagging of jeans. Now this presents a problem because the wallet wonderbum effect (similar to wonderbra's titivating(no pun) effect) is rendered moot if wallet-bearing pocket is lowered via sagging… Additionally, the butt-support to prevent sagging from being a jeans-around-ankle style was lacking to the left hence Fulo’s jeans would be skewed to the left revealing a portion of backside conspicuous by its absence.
  • High waist lingala dancing. Then there was the Koffi Olomide, Papa Wemba, Diblo Dibala era. High-waists were in effect with accompanying box haircuts. In Fulo’s case, high-waisting resulted in two divergent posterior protrusions with the wallet effect appearing on his back (courtesy of elevated back pocket) and the right diab effect a number of inches lower… You should have seen the effect on his lingala dancing I tell you!!!
  • Caning in high school. Lets just say that the right bore the brunt to the headmaster’s fan belt caning amidst the headmster’s accompanying shouts of “Useless!! Kwenda!! Ghasia!!
Postamble – Cast of Characters
*Fulo aka I M Fuloshit alias Imran Mehta Fuloshit. This is an unfortunate, lecherous asian from Ngara that loves wearing shorts and is commonly referred to as I M Fuloshit in short(s).

Author’s note: Was going to get more descriptive about Fulo’s condition but I just noticed him walking into the room… There may be a show-down soon so I’ll stop my typing right here!!

25 Comments:

Blogger KenyanMusings said...

Just to assert that I am first, then pick myself off the floor and finish reading...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 4:34:00 PM  
Blogger KenyanMusings said...

Ngai fafa! The last time I heard the word ‘swallow’, was from my crazy cousin. LOL mara 1 million. Milo you have gone and totally lost it!! Every single word in that post had me anguaring kicheko.
Seriously dude, what goes on that head!!? LOL @ . placing a bottle top or folded paper under the shorter leg example.
LoL at potting pool, double LOL at lingala dancing.. Just LOL…Gawd Milo! Wtf! Are you smoking? I want some!
** walks, nay stumbles away, wiping tears**

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 4:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Milonare said...

Hey KM

Sasa...

LOL at LOL mara million (or is that milon)

Woiye I havent lost anything... I only smoke the same stuff you, Whis and Mutumia have been peddling LOLOLOL

Gai you should meet Fulo!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2006 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

Ignore Milo and i am 2nd.

Manze we used to call it "Swallow"
Very embarrassing.
You are still somoking that stuff you promised not to...he he he

ROTFLMAO MARA TRILLION

Thursday, February 23, 2006 1:05:00 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

ATI SOMOKING no it is Smoking

Thursday, February 23, 2006 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger Sammie said...

Top Three on Milo's Post! Thats a record.

ROTFL at the statistical analysis of a boxer ambayo "imeenda lunch"

Thursday, February 23, 2006 2:39:00 PM  
Blogger Whispering Inn said...

ROTFL!!
*painfully slapping knee*
That's why I wear boxers, they are not easily swallowed! LOL!

I think I know fulo tho - jeans sagging on one butt-cheek - LOL!

Si fulo works at that ka-garage and he's always kneeling or squating so apart from the uneven butt-cheeks you also get an uneven plumbers crack!!! LOL!!

Dude, you are too funny! Btw, lemme know when you want me to replenish your stash - my life would be in danger if you ran out and could not pen such hilarious "Henny's observations"!

Thursday, February 23, 2006 3:31:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@Shiroh
Woiye, its not good to ignore Milo...

Sija smoke wala somoke anything. Its Whis and KM I tell you!!!

@Sammie

Welcome werocamu werocam...

Ati Boxer imeend lunch ROTFL squared!!

@Whis
ROTFLMBAO at the squatting with a peek at the plumber's crack LOLOLOLOL

Especially if there is an accompanying wiggling coz of activity beneath the car causing the crack to sway from side to side...

Thx

Ati Henny's observations? Wewe... More like Milo's observations of Henny and Fulo...

I know you have a truckload of stash given your posts and references to the oldest profession LOLOL

Lakini if you can let me have Strawberries in peace then siendi pahali LOLOLOLOLOL

Thursday, February 23, 2006 5:02:00 PM  
Blogger nick said...

LOL squared u are back dangling away

only you could bring me back-with collabo written all over with a little of jipoxing like we would do it them days

-partial division:yup the upride of the boxer has divided the tu-cheeks in unequal fours, and the unmentinabos are on one side of the fraction-numerator and denomintor opposite sides.if lucky! sometimes a mentionabo decides to hung by the fence... Tactical manouvering requires pinching the ever dividing boxer anteriorly and posteriorly and unleashin one downward forward motion..once everything has dangled freely then comes the restoring them marbles in a cuppin sweep

-the WHOLESALE wit discount swallow: Two wedgies in one and usualy the waist of the boxer is near your collar..if not is the COLLAR. and the dimpled butt cheeks are more like inverted gibbous moons in a figure eight shapre . Tactical manouvre of withdrawing from the depths reveals that there is more material in there than you could have thought!so u pry off first wedgy...and at times it is so refreshin u settle into a partial swallow

-Sauna swallow: are u in coast? did u not dry well? are u not wearing cotton 100%? are u murungaru? Nothin but moistness runnin up and down and the non absorbent boxer not helping- u pray for a wedgy to dry things up but that aint happening...its uncomfy...slip and slide...


eeew...only u milo could bring me back haki...yaani not even tato but urs trul

Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Hhehhehe I used to claim you was/is kukuz my dear punk-ass so I stopped and made it official what dos me now? Make a public announcement.

Maze kizee my guy yani H's girlie here is floored faw shaw. Ebu harakisha come pick me up lest H walks in here and he won't like the sight LOLS

I miss you BTW!Don't be a stranger!

Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:32:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@Nick
Woi looney mate. Gai I missed you!!!

((((hug))))

LOLOLOLOLOL

Yaani I need to cut and paste from yours i swear

Ati Sauna Swallow? Gibbous moon??ROTFLMBAO times infinity!!

Welcome back bro, welcome back!!!

Collabo lazima laz'ma!!!

@Milopore
Woi sweetness. Nimekumiss lakini umenitupa...

Ebu mwambie yule H aishie!!! Down with H, down with H!!!!!

*kisses*

Thursday, February 23, 2006 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

No!!!!! I was 3rd and Blogga ate my comment. Not fair. Milo si you rekebisha my position. Urghhh!!!! Yaani that Fulo is such a liar. He sent me a candid screen shot and he looked like a cross between Joginda Singh and Shekha Mehta and Bollywood extra No. 345446(nice, nice, nice).

*sulking 'cause I'm like # 456*

But LOL @ your swallowing analogies- with math equations and greek symbols thrown in...

(I think I love you Milo)

Friday, February 24, 2006 12:01:00 AM  
Blogger Whispering Inn said...

Wewe, wachana na Strawberries bana. Sasa naona Poi ana-complain ati umem-neglect, halafu others are declaring their undying love to you na bado uko na wengine....!
You're a lucky man my friend!

Friday, February 24, 2006 12:55:00 AM  
Blogger I-M-Fuloshit said...

Vhat? Vhy? Vhere?

Vhy is you be rewealing Fulo's diwision of labour in de butt cheeks?

Now my sveet pili pili, curry to de belly, Mutumiwu hula mbiwu is being cross vith de Fulo!!!

Milo, you is going to be paying I promise you... I be writing out a rupee cheque to get you hurting in the shriwelled prowerbials I is promising you!!!

You vait and see!!!

Friday, February 24, 2006 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Milo! you're too much! :D LMAO

Sunday, February 26, 2006 4:17:00 PM  
Anonymous m said...

Sasa kijana I think you have a problem, and the first step is admitting the problem.

Chief, i think you should start the nairobi chapter of NA (Ngotha anonymous)

Monday, February 27, 2006 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@Muts
Woishe... Lakini you know you will always come first...

Ishindwe hii blogger glutton, ishindwe!!

Fulo is a joker!!

(*blushes blushes* - awwww shucks. Come give me a hug)

Kisses

@Whis
LOLOLOL

So do we have a deal or not?

@Fulo (Talking to myself)
In the immortal words of Nick - Talk to the Tanye, Talk to the Tanye

@Stunuh
Hey you...

Thx

:-)

@M
LOL at Ngotha Anonymous...

What about guys like Nick, Aco and Whis who operate commando? Where will they go?

Monday, February 27, 2006 11:34:00 AM  
Anonymous mshairi said...

I would love to spend one day in your mind just to see where you get these posts from:)

Last time I was here, I called you mpenzi and 'someone' i.e. a jealous newphew objected! Ha!

Monday, February 27, 2006 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger KenyanMusings said...

Ditto to Mshairi above...and sweet, you are like on real time on my posts! Wa! A minute had not even pitad,...after I hit publish...But you know I got mad mapenzi right? Thanks Milo.
Ama this is a ka plot 10 to get me go for the lunch date? Si you post another one like this mdogo mdogo...I want to laugh Milo, I want to read your post, I want to laugh...make me laugh!!! **stumping feet on ground and pouting** I want, I want!

Monday, February 27, 2006 1:27:00 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

@Mshairi Mpenzi
You would be most welcome Mshairi... Aki you've made me blush - awww shucks...

((((hugs))))

@KM
They don't call me comment-ho for nothing LOLOLOL

You will not hear the last of this until that date comes to pass I tell you. Nick's movie or not...

Er... em... OK. Lakini this means lunch!!!

Monday, February 27, 2006 1:32:00 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

Glad to see that youare back i n full force. Now i absolutely love the tees you know milowear my dear even if i have to take cooperative loan that i want for real. and then swallowing issues that has just guaranteed you a beer next time you are in town absolutely insane and LOL.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 7:23:00 AM  
Anonymous Milonare said...

@Gish
LOLOL at cooperative loan.

I shall be coming to collect that keroro er kiiruru fo sho next time am in the city :D

Thx swty

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger kny@hart said...

now that am done wipin the tears running down ma face....
can i get some one to beba hommie here to mathare.....

and i wont even ask u what u were doing chekin out ur home bwai like dat... brokeback isshhhh :)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger Peter Njenga said...

I used to sit next to a guy like Fulo in high school.
This dude actually opted for gymn to sort of compensate for this deficiency.
You bring out Fulo's situation in a way that made me laugh my a** off!
This is so very funny. Nice post Milo!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 8:40:00 PM  
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Monday, January 11, 2010 11:31:00 AM  

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